And By Girl I Mean Masimo Scarlotti
by E arth. K id. T ree. H ugger
Summary: Dave's POV after SITNOP.After Dave's mutti tells Dave to play hard to get and only stay Gee's mate for AGES to be sure Gee stays with Dave, a series of events happen that try to break Dave's mindset.And Masimo does the dreadful.Daves mutti same as FFS G
1. Fisticuffs at dawn with a girl

**Saturday September 17**

**10.30pm**

**Walking home**

I can't believe I nearly had a fisticuffs at dawn fandango with a girl.

And by girl I mean Masimo Scarlotti.

All I did was the twist with Georgia and Masimo challenges me to fisticuffs at dawn.

Good grief.

He is just so jealous it isn't funny.

Doesn't he know that Gee will like him more if he's not jealous?

Again, good grief.

Gee likes him best when he's his normal Handbag Horse self, not acting all jealous, just all, "ooooh, do you like my hair?" and "where did I put my bra?"

He's such a hypocrite, though.

I didn't even snog Gee.

I did the twist with her, which I must say was vair vair fun and groovy.

But anyway, Masimo is a stupid hypocrite.

I saw him snogging Wet Lindsay behind Gee's back, and when I was at her house I wanted to tell her, but her mutti came in, and I couldn't.

It would break her heart, though, so I didn't tell her at the gig.

Stupid Handbag Horse.

I hate him.

It was vair, vair funny though, when she yelled "Stop in the name of PANTS."

It made me laugh like a loon on loon tablets.

Masimo didn't like it at all; he appears to have the hump with Georgia.

**At the front door**

"Mutti! I'm back!" I yelled.

No reply. She must be meditating in her room or something.

I went to watch TV.

**5 minutes later**

God, weekend tv is so crap it's unbelievable.

I'll put a DVD on.

Why don't we have any good DVD's?

Where are all of the good ones when you need them?

Ah, I'll watch Mrs. Brown's Boys.

Hahahahahahahahahaha.

Rory kind of reminds me of Masimo. But Rory is much, much nicer than Masimo, but he is a homosexualist.

**1 hour later**

"You got back early Dave."

"Gadzooks! Mutti, did you have to scare me so much?!?!?"

"Sorry. You usually don't come home until three AM, what happened to make you come back so early? Something go wrong love?"

Like I'd tell Mutti anything.

Yeah, she's a laid back hippy comedian who isn't fazed by anything, but I'm not telling her.

**15 minutes later**

I've accidently told my mutti everything. _Merde. _

Why'd I do that?

Oh, I know why.

I'm an eejit, as the Leprechaun-a-gogo types would say.

She said that I should stay Georgia's mate, and if she decides she wants to be official snogging partners with me, play hard to get.

And she means _really _hard to get, but stay her mate the whole time.

Cos if I go out with her straight away, she may dump me for another Handbag Horse.

She seems to attract the homosexualists.

**1 minute later**

Mutti actually does have a point.

Oh my God.

I may be forced to take her advice, as it is fairly good.

**Sunday September 18**

**10.30 am**

**Bed**

It's strange.

I don't feel tired at all, and I usually do after gigs and such like.

Why?

Oh yeah, I know why.

Because I came back so early last night.

If it feels this good when I wake up, maybe I won't stay out so late after gigs.

Nah, scrap that.

I don't want to turn into Mr. Vole, aka Tom Jennings.

**5 minutes later**

Phone is ringing.

"Mutti! Phone!"

"Dave! You get it!"

Charming.

"Laugh and General Hornmeister speaking."

"Oh, hi Dave."

Marvelloso. It's the Voley One.

"Hey Tom."

"Are you okay?"

"Never been better. Why wouldn't I be?"

"You almost had fisticuffs at dawn!"

"And? I didn't, though."

"It's fighting!"

"I didn't fight."

"You nearly did."

"And?"

"Fighting's wrong!"

"Masimo started it."

"You did the twist with Georgia. And you nearly fought."

"Yes, Tom, but I didn't!"

"You nearly did."

I hung up on him.

Good grief.

Phone is ringing again.

"For the last time, Tom, yes, I did nearly fight Masimo, but I didn't. alright?!"

"Dave?"


	2. Oh hi Nana

**_A/N: Ooooh. You all thought it was Georgia, didn't you? I'm mean, I know. It was just someone utterly trivial who ended up making part of the story what it is. LOL._**

**_Disclaimer: Louise Rennison owns everything but the plot (which if she wants, she can have) and Dave's mutti, Dave's nana and his great-aunty Alice._**

**_Ohh, btw, I got my music exam results. I got an A, which I am very pleased with!_**

**_Horns out!_**

**_Lottie_**

**_x_**

"Oh hi Nana."

"Dave, don't get into fights. It's bad for your soul."

"Sure Nana. I didn't start it anyway. But I didn't stop it either. Georgia did."

"Georgia? The girl that you are in luuurve with?"

"I'm not in love with her!"

"Sure sure, keep telling yourself that, Davey-boy. Now you tell your very cool Nana what happened."

There is not a hope in hell of me telling nana what happened.

None.

Zip.

Zero.

Zilch.

**Half an hour later**

**Lying in my hammock**

Why, oh why did I have to tell Nana EVERYTHING?

It's those powers she says she's got.

Psychicness.

But she didn't say that it involved forcing people to spill their guts.

Maybe it's just her powers of whatsit… persuasion.

Or maybe, I am just one of those people who spill their guts to whoever asks.

Nope, I think it's her powers of persuasion.

That's deffo it.

I don't spill my guts.

Except to Tom.

And I told Mutti yesterday.

And Nana just now.

And I tell Josh everything.

But he doesn't count, he's only three.

And I did tell my sister.

And I've told Gee I love her a few too many times.

Oh God.

Oh Goddy God God.

I am just a spill-your-guts type.

Fan-bloody-tastic.

But Nana is evil if you don't tell her.

She reveals embarrassing secrets in the tarot to certain people.

One person in particular.

Who I will not name.

His name begins with "R" and ends in "ollo".

No, you fules, it's not Areollo.

It's Rollo.

Damn!

I just said it now, didn't I?

Bugger.

Oh well.

And, yes, she can easily relay info to Rollo, because she just so happens to also be his Nana as well as mine.

Yes, Rollo and I are cousins.

Unfortunately.

But he is a larf.

Especially when we are forced to go to these crappy family get-togethers.

We play pranks on unsuspecting cousins/aunts/uncles etc.

It really is a larf.

But he has learned too much from me.

F'rinstance, he has learned how to REALLY embarrass me.

And he has done far, far too many times.

But on the flipside, I have embarrassed him even more times.

Oh God.

Nana will most likely tell Rollo what I just told her.

Oh crap!

_Merde_.

_Ficken._

Must go and get the phone off Mutti.

Immediately.

**Running down stairs**

"Mutti!"

"Yes, Dave?"

"Can I talk to Nana? It's urgent."

"Well, I just hung up, but you can ring her back." And she pointed at the table.

I picked it up and dialled the number.

No, I didn't pick up the table, you fules.

I picked up the phone.

"Hello?"

"Hello Great-Aunty Alice."

Great-Aunty Alice is Nana's equally dippy sister.

"Hello Davey-boy. How are you?"

"A bit _merde _to be honest. Can I speak to Nana?"

"She's actually just gone to a festival. That's why I'm here. I'm house-sitting. Can I help you with anything?"

**Half an hour later**

**Just hung up the phone**

Oh crappity crap crap.

And also _krappe._

And _scheisse._

Also _merde._

I have also told Great-Aunty Alice my problems.

Is it possible to keep my big mouth shut?

Will ring Tom.

He'll know what to do _vis à vis _spillin-your-guts fandango.

On second thoughts, er, no.

He is practically betrothed to Radio Jas and is almost as bad, radio-wise.

Except he doesn't tell his own secrets.

Just others.

Shan't tell him.

Oh God.

Think I will ring Rollo.

I must be crazy.

I'll never hear the end of it from him.

He'll keep giving hints to everyone that I am in luuuuurve with Gee.

But it's better he gets the facts from me than Nana.

Nana is like an old, hippy version of Radio Jas.

Perhaps will nickname her Radio Nana.

Anyway, Rollo won't tell anyone.

**Ringing Rollo**

"Hello, you have reached Rollo, the sexiest male model ever."

"Er, Rollo? Since when are you sexy? And when did you become a male model?"

"It is perfectly understandable you don't find me sexy as if you did it would be incest and would mean you are on the turn. And, actually, I have been a male model since birth. So up yours."

"Rollo. You are NOT a male model, so don't delude yourself."

"Whatever, Dave. What did you want, anyway?"

"Do you want to come over?"

"Well, I was going to ring Jools, and see if she wanted to go to the cinema."

"Please. I'm going to be a girl at the moment and ask for advice."

"Oooh. This should be good. Okay, I'll come over. S'later."

And he hung up.

**5 minutes later**

I am SO bored.

Why is there nothing to do here?

**In the garden looking at Mutti on her yoga mat**

"Mutti. There is nothing to do here."

"Come and do yoga with me."

Hahahahahahahahaha.

There is not a hope in hell of me doing yoga with Mutti.

**5 minutes later**

**On a yoga mat next to Mutti**

Doing the lotus pose.

Ommmmmmmm.

God, this is REALLY boring.

You know, yoga is really easy.

All you do is sit sort of cross-leggedy but not quite and Ommm a bit.

**5 minutes later**

Owwww.

This bloody hurts.

Yoga is SO painful.

Apparently it doesn't entail sitting cross-legged and Ommming.

Will return to Ommming.

Actually quite peaceful.

"Wow. Dave the Laugh is doing yoga! I'll bet Georgia would just love to see that. She thinks you're all masculine and everything."

Rollo's here.

How embarrassing.

I open my eyes to see Rollo taking photos with his phone.

I stood up.

"Rollo." I warned.

He laughed.

"Rollo, do NOT, I repeat NOT show that to Georgia."

"Fine fine." He laughed.

"I mean it Rollo, don't."

"I've said I won't."

"If you do I have embarrassing footage that I can easily show Jools…"

"Alright, for the last time, I have said I won't. Good grief! Anyway, what did you want to let out your inner girl and discuss with me? I draw the line at doing your makeup. And putting a bra on you."

"Very funny Rollo. We all know you're the only one out of the two of us who has ever worn makeup or a bra. Come upstairs with me."

"Oo-er!"

"Rollo." I warned.

He just grinned.

**My room**

I am lying on my hammock.

Rollo has the floor.

Hahahahahaha.

Sucked in, Rollo.

He's complaining about it, but it's best to ignore him.

"Basically, the nub and gist is that I am in lurve with Georgia and I'm going to play hard to get even if she wants to go out. That's what Mutti said to do."

"What did Nana say to do?"

"What makes you think I told her?"

"Because she rang me up to tell me."

"And you still let me spill my guts?!"

"It was worth it." He shrugged.

"Rollo, you are unbelievable."

"But it's your own fault Dave, cos you happen to tell everyone everything!"

"I realised that today. I am officially a spill-your-guts type. But don't tell Georgia or any of her friends."

"What about Jools?"

"Is Jools Georgia's friend, Rollo?"

"Yes. In fact she is one of her best friends."

"Then no."

"Can I tell the rest of the Barmy Army?"

"No, don't tell anyone."

"Fine then. It will only be a matter of time before you tell her you luuurve her."

**Half an hour later**

Rollo's gone.

But before he went, he went to Mutti and struck up a bet.

The bet being "How long will it take Dave to tell Georgia he luurves her?"

And she betted!

My own mother, and everything.

Hmp.

Not fair.

I must call Gee.

No, you fules, even I don't give in that quickly.

I'm going to be a matey-mate.

**Ringing Gee**

"Hello, Heartbreak Hotel, how may I help you?"

"Hello, KittyKat. You don't sound too good. Are you okay? Is the Handbag Horse still doing the humpty-dumpty, Gee? If he is, he's silly. Now, tell the Hornmeister everything."

Gee laughed. "Dave, you never fail to make me laugh. I love you."

**_A/N: Ooooh. How will Dave respond? Tell me in a review please! I luuurve reviews. _**

**_Yesterday, I had detention cos I wore too short shorts to year 10 Reflection Day, and it involved writing out the uniform guidlines. And handing it in. I had a hand cramp by the end of it. When I told Mum, she thought it was hilarious. I didn't._**

**_Yesterday at school, I had some free time, and I looked up swear words in the German dictionary (childish, I know, but I'm like that) and I now know how to say the f word and f off in German. I won't tell you what you are, cos I may get into trouble, but I've used one of them in this chapter if my memory serves correctly._**

**_Oh, and thankyou to all of my lurvely reviewers, who I luurve very much (but I still luuurve Dave more!)._**

**_Review, please!_**

**_Pants away!_**

**_Lottie_**

**_x_**


	3. Firm Bottom With A Red Hand

**_A/N: I have a few things to say: Firstly, I'm sorry it's so short, I just found a good place to end it. It really is short, unbelievably short, and I'm sorry. Secondly, I'm sorry it took so long for me to upload, my mum went to Sydney so I stayed at my uncle's place, and Mum only got back yesterday. So yeah, I'm vair vair sorry._**

**_Enjoy!_**

**_Lottie_**

**_x_**

"_Hello, Heartbreak Hotel, how may I help you?"_

"_Hello, KittyKat. You don't sound too good. Are you okay? Is the Handbag Horse still doing the humpty-dumpty, Gee? If he is, he's silly. Now, tell the Hornmeister everything."_

_Gee laughed. "Dave, you never fail to make me laugh. I love you."_

Oh God.

Did Gee just say what I think she just said?

She did.

I REALLY want to just tell her how much I lurve her, but I can't.

Not if Mutti's plan is going to work.

What do I say, though?

Best thing is to joke it off.

"Yes, Gee, I know I'm a gorgeous biscuit, but I have a girlfriend. Yes, yes, I AM The Hornmeister, but this Hornmeister has eschewed his firm bottom with a red hand."

I could practically hear her blushing.

Haha.

"Dave, don't you mean red bottom with a firm hand?" Georgia finally managed to say.

She sounded kind of strained.

And no, I don't mean like a cup of coffee.

I mean like – oh, forget it, you people don't care, you only ask to annoy me.

"Georgia," I said, "If you know what order the words go in, then you must have lots of practice saying it, but not doing it."

"Only because you entice me!"

"I am so vair vair gorgey, that I feel bad about enticing so many girls, and disappointing them. Emma is my one and only."

Oh God.

No, Emma is not my one and only.

Georgia is.

But I MUST play hard to get.

"Oh. Oh Dave, I must go in a moment, because, um, because Bibsy just pooed on Angus' head."

She sounded really upset.

Maybe I should just take it all back and say how much I lurve her.

No, Dave, focus.

Keep to the plan, keep to the plan.

"Oh, KittyKat, you don't have to go just because of Angus. What did you ring up to ask the Hornmeister? If you're really upset maybe I'll give you a snog to cheer you up."

"Dave, as marvy and brillopads as your snogs may be, didn't you say before that you were eschewing your firm bottom with a red hand, and that Emma is your one and only."

"How did you know that my hand is red, and that my bottom is firm?"

"DAVE!" Georgia shrieked. I had to put the phone down on the table it was that loud.

"Dave!" Georgia shrieked again, "You just said it before!"

"No, I didn't."

"Um, yes, I believe you did."

"Well, KittyKat, you believe wrong.

"Ohhh, so I believe wrong, do? I have ears!"

"You obviously have eyes too, and came and watched me shower."

"Bye Dave," Georgia said, and put the phone down.

I wonder what she wanted?

She never got to the point.

Maybe I'll ring her back.

Later.

I can't be bothered now.

I'll make myself some food.

**5 minutes later**

Ringing Georgia.

"Jas, how many more times do I need to say that I Luuuurve him?!?!?!?!"

**_A/N: Who's Gee talking about? Review me with your opinions please!_**

**_Oh my God, it is raining SO much. Seriously. We have a letter advising parents to keep their kids at home bacause of the weather. Honest. But my mum said as long as school is open, I have to go. Not fair. I will work on a case though._**

**_Horns out!_**

**_Lottie_**

**_x_**


	4. Please Don't Sleep With Her It's Tacky

_**A/N: Sorry it took heaps long to upload, we have HEAPS of assignments atm, they're cramming them all in before the end of the semester. Huh. Not fair. Ah well. Anyway, this is a bit of a filler chapter. Yoga soon - YAY. Oh, just thought I'd say this cos I thought it was funny: I was telling my friend all about Dave's mutti in my fanfics, and I said that I partly based her on my aunty, and explained Dave's mutti's personality traits and likes/dislikes etc, and she was like, OMG, It's Lottie! Which I do agree with in some respects, but in others? Er, no. **_

**_PANTS!_**

_**5 minutes later**_

_Ringing Georgia._

"_Jas, how many more times do I need to say that I Luuuurve him?!?!?!?!"_

"Love who, KittyKat?"

"Erm, Masimo," Gee said after a while.

"That's nice Gee. Glad to hear it," I said in a laughy way.

"Erm, Dave, can I come around?"

"Sure, KittyKat, you CAN, but only if you find my house."

"Dave, don't play games," she sounds exasperated.

"I'm not. Just go onto Google and Google The Hornmeister's house."

"Vair funny. Not. Just tell me where to go."

"Well, okay. You know the street next to yours, Pine Crescent?"

"Yeah?"

"Well I don't live there."

"Dave!"

"Alright, alright. I live next in the street next to Pine Crescent, Shine Avenue."

"Which house?"

Which house, she asks.

Hahahahahahahaha.

Anyone who knows my mutti will recognise the house.

"Anyone who knows my mutti will recognise my house."

"Dave?"

"_Oui_?"

"That would be helpful, but there's one problem."

"What would that be KittyKat?"

"I don't know your mutti."

"Ah yes, I see how that could be _une__problème_."

"So… which house?"

"I'll come and get you, Sex Kitty. See ya in five minutes."

Oh, there's Mutti. "Hey Mutti."

"Who's Sex Kitty?"

Oooh, that's embarrassing.

Don't answer, Dave, don't answer.

"Dave, you've not been calling up those prostitutes with those strange names and not go and see them, have you?"

Hahahahaha.

That was funny.

For a laugh, I used to ring up those prozzies with those crap names and arrange to meet them and then not show up.

Ahahaha.

And then it had to be stopped, cos Mutti found out.

And no, she didn't care the same way most mothers would if they found out that their teenage son was ringing prozzies.

She told me I shouldn't give them false hopes of money making.

Oh, I've forgotten to answer Mutti.

"Um, yeah, sorry."

"That's alright. Now, as you enjoyed the yoga so much, I wondered if you wanted to come on a yoga retreat with me tomorrow."

Er, no.

"Um, no, sorry Mutti, I'm vair busy, y'know, footie to play, girls to snog, the usual."

She looked kinda hurt.

Aw, I feel bad now.

She may be a dippy-hippy, but she's still my mutti, who gave life to me and all that jazzaroo.

"Mutti, I'll come with you to WOMAD music festival instead. That okay?"

"That would be fabulous, Dave. You know I love you lots, and you'll always be my baby."

Oh God.

Don't wanna upset her but I am NOT going all soppy and saying how much I love her.

I do, but I won't say it.

"You too, Mutti. Must be away laughing on a fast camel now."

Was just walking out of the gate when Mutti called out, "Now you go and see that prostitute and give her her money, but please, please don't sleep with her – it's tacky!"

**_A/N: Did you like that chapter? Loved it? Hated it? Review either way, PLEASE! _**

**_I LOBE you all!_**

**_Lottie_**

**_x_**


	5. YOU'RE mad!

_**A/N: Oh, yet another chapter. I'm really enjoying writing this, Dave really makes me laugh - but back off! He's mine! No, really he's Georgias. But he's still bloody gorgey. This chapter Masimo is shown as the loser that he is, but I won't say any more - you'll have to read it.**_

**_Oh, I had my Maths exam today, and I actually knew (I hope) how to do a lot of it. That might be cos I actually studied for this test, or it might be that I'm quite good at Algebra. But I think I've failed the semester anyway, cos I figured out that if I managed an A+ in this test, I'd still only get a C- overall, cos I failed the last test. Hm. Well wish me luck everyone. I much prefer English anyway. It's cooler. Hey, I've come to a realisation. I am a readingandwriting junkie, but I DON'T want to go to rehab! LOL!_**

**_Hooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrn!_**

_

* * *

_

_Was just walking out of the gate when Mutti called out, "Now you go and see that prostitute and give her her money, but please, please don't sleep with her – it's tacky!"_

Hahahahahahahahahaha.

Having the biggest laughing spaz EVER.

As if I would sleep with a prozzie.

For starters, I'm not that desperate, and if I wanted a lot of the girls around here would probs sleep with me.

I'm not vain, I'm informed.

I've heard many rumours about lots and lots of girls lurving my biscuitness.

And I didn't start them.

I _DIDN'T!_

Honest.

Well, alright, I started the one that Emma Watson saw me in town and fancied me.

But the rest of them I really didn't start.

Where was I?

Ohhh, yeah, I was listing why I wouldn't sleep with a prozzie.

Secondly, I don't think I really want to sleep with anyone yet – I don't feel old enough.

Thirdly, I'm not sleazy.

Fourthly I respect their dignity.

Well, partially.

I wouldn't make them take their clothes off for me anyway.

Hahahahahahahahahahahaha, Mutti makes me laugh sometimes.

**At Gee's house**

Knocking on the door.

**10 minutes later**

Still no answer.

Ho hum pigs bum.

Why, whenever I come here, does the door not open for an hour?

Well, when Gee's parents are here the door is answered moderately quickly.

I think the only reason for that is that Connie and Libby fancy the pants off me.

Literally.

Ewwww, someone 4 times my age and someone a quarter of my age fancy me.

Ew.

**20 minutes later**

The door _finally _opens.

Giddy God, Gee has the whole of Boots' make up counter on her face.

She's still vair gorgey, but that amount is verging on chavvy.

"Hi Dave," she's saying, doing that strange smile thing she does that makes her look demented.

She seems to only do that smile when she's trying to impress.

Hmmmmmmm.

"Hey Gee. Next time, can you open the door within an hour of me knocking?" I say sarcastically.

She looks confused. "I did."

"I was being sarcastic, Gee. I would actually like the door to be opened within three minutes of me knocking, not thirty. What were you _doing _for that amount of time?!"

She looks embarrassed. "Erm, well, I was doing my natural makeup."

Natural?

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Oops, I think that I accidently did that laughing spaz out loud.

"What's so funny?" Gee looks more confused that I've ever seen her.

"Okay, Gee, if I tell you will you promise not to get mad."

"Promise."

"Okay, well…" oh God, she's gonna get all mad at me now, isn't she?

"Okay well what?" Gee asks.

"Well, that amount of makeup is possible verging on chavvy. That isn't actually natural, Gee. Just a tiny bit of foundation, eyeliner and lipgloss would've been fine, KittyKat."

She looks like her whole way of life has been told is slightly silly.

Well, I s'pose she has.

Well, part of her way of life.

The other part is boys.

Oh, Gee-Gee, you're so shallow, but that's why I love you.

Oh shit.

I've just said that out loud.

And I have once again let my big mouth win.

Bugger off, Big Mouth.

She's ignoring the 'that's why I love you' comment.

"What about mascara?"

"Get your eyelashes tinted, cos mascara is all blobby. And if you reckon you need longer lashes, wear boy entrancers. You know I lurve them. The sparkly ones are vair sex-kittyish. Especially when they stick together and come off in your hand." I wink at her.

She looks a bit bewildered, but then starts laughing.

I do too, and the two of us are at her front door laughing like loons.

I stop laughing first.

I wait for Gee to stop, then I say, "You're mad," cos I want a snog from Gee and that's the best way to get it.

"No, you're mad," she says with a glint in her eye that says that she also knows full well where this will end up.

"No, YOU'RE mad!"

"No, YOU are!"

"YOU'RE mad!"

"No, YOU are!"

Oh bugger it, can't be arsed to keep going, I'll just tickle her now.

Gee is going spazzoid.

Okay, now for the snoggling, as Libby says.

**10 minutes later**

Still snogging Gee.

Mmm, she's a good snogger.

Somehow we've ended up with my arms around her waist and her arms around my neck.

She's pulling away.

No pulling away!

No stopping.

I hold her tighter, and lip nibble her.

Oh, that's right – the King of Snogland wins again.

She stopped stopping.

**Half an hour later**

"Oi, you young people! Stop snogging in the street! You just have to rub it in that you can snog in the street and not be considered weird, and we can't. Just cos we're older it doesn't mean we don't like _getting it on_!"

Huh?

Who says _getting it on_ now anyway?

Gee and I break away, and I see her face is red underneath the inch-thick makeup.

I look up, and see this elderly couple of about ninety who have stopped outside Gee's gate.

The man has false teeth and the woman is wearing a knitted bikini.

Interesting…

"Erm, hi Grandad, Maisie," Gee is saying.

What?

Gee knows these people?

No wonder she's red.

"Boyfriend is it?" her grandad asks.

"Erm… well, uhhh… I… we… us… red bottom… cosmic horn…"

I'd best step in and save her.

Like a knight in shining armour.

Yeah!

That'd be really cool!

Dave the knight of highest rank of the Round Table!

With my trusty camel to ride to battle.

"Come on, Georgia, you said so yourself, we'll be late for school."

I pull her away towards my house, two streets away.

"Dave, you do realise it's Sunday, don't you, and that school is the completely opposite direction," Gee puffs somewhere along Pine Crescent.

"Yep," I say, "I just figured that as they're so old, they won't actually realise."

She's silent.

**My house**

"Wow," Gee says as we go through the gate, "Your house is cool as!"

"I know," I say, grinning.

We go and sit in the garden.

"Why aren't we going inside?" Gee wonders.

"Because my garden is very cool. Don't forget that."

She looks me in the eye. "You've locked your key inside, haven't you?"

How does she do that?

She tends to read my mind a lot.

It's freaky-deaky.

"Maybe," I grin.

Gee laughs.

"So what did you want to talk about?" I ask her, putting my arm over her shoulders.

"Well," Gee starts to say, but stops.

"Well what?" I ask gently.

"It's Masimo!" She blurts out. "He had the humpty-dumpty with me, and then this morning he came to see me. He snogged me, then yelled at me saying I was a slut and that he preferred Wet Lindsay to me, even though she's going out with Robbie, and then he snogged me again and then…" she trails off into nothing, and her face burns red.

"Then what?" I ask, pulling her closer.

"Then he put his hands up my top and touched my nungas," Gee whispers, "I thought I could maybe handle that, but then he started trying to take off my jeans too…"

She puts her head on my shoulder and sobs.

The bloody dickhead.

Basically, he sort of tried to rape Gee.

But I don't know if it can be classified as rape as she is (was?) his girlfriend.

I don't know what I can do immediately apart from hold Gee tight and be there for her.

**Half an hour later**

Gee is still sobbing.

"Shh, KittyKat, he's a loser, seriously. Such a loser."

Gee stops crying enough to look up at me.

"How come you're always so nice to me?" She asks, "I don't deserve it, but you're always always nice. I've been so horrible to you, yet you're never ever horrible to me. Why?"

I look down into her eyes, and answer her.

* * *

**_A/N: Oh oh oh! What's Davey-Boy gonna say? I don't even know myself, so don't worry guys, but I'll figure it out! Can you guys make some guesses in your reviews? Pleeeeease? I'll lurve you forever and ever! Honest! Lol._**

**_Isn't Masimo a jerk. Bloody rapist._**

**_Anywho... Hoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrn!_**

**_ps. Review pleaase!_**


	6. Behind A Bush

_**A/N: Bonjour groovers,**_

_**Well I passed my maths test if you were wondering. :D **_

_**Ooohhhh, It's my birthday TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yayayayayayayayayay!**_

_**But I have to go to school, and I have a German test. Boo. Not fair.**_

_**21 days til "Are these my basoomas I see before me" comes out!**_

"_How come you're always so nice to me?" She asks, "I don't deserve it, but you're always always nice. I've been so horrible to you, yet you're never ever horrible to me. Why?"_

_I look down into her eyes, and answer her._

Or I would have if an apple from the tree above us hadn't just dropped on my head.

"Ow!'

"Are you okay, Dave?" Gee asks.

"I'll live. But the question is, will you?"

"I don't actually know," she admits, biting her lip.

"Well, as my Biscuit and mate duties, I'll be here for you," I say and lie back on the grass.

Gee does too.

**10 minutes later**

Ooh, we're just looking at each other.

Not like that, you cheeky minxes!

At each others FACES you fules.

God, do I have to explain EVERYTHING to you people?

You're so dim.

**An hour later**

We still haven't spoken, we're still just staring at each other (each other's FACES)

Which in normal circumstances is vair nice and romantic and all that jazz, but I desperately need to go to the piddly diddly department.

I'll just stick it out.

**5 minutes later**

Oh God, I really can't wait!

I REALLY have to go…

**20 seconds later**

Am jumping up like a jumpy thing on jumpy tablets.

Gee looks vair shocked I must say.

"Sorry, Gee, I need the piddly diddly department – be right back!"

And I start to run off when Gee says, "I thought you locked your keys inside. Are you going to go behind a bush?"

She's so nosy.

I don't interrogate her whether she needs to go to the piddly diddly department in the bushes.

Which by the way I _don't_, as we have a little sort of yoga hut that Mum uses when it's raining and there is a loo at the back of that.

**Back from the loo**

"So did you?" Gee asks.

"Did I what?"

"You know… go behind a bush."

"Gee what's with the nosiness? I don't interrogate you when you go to the piddly diddly department. We have a toilet at the back of the hut Mum uses for yoga."

"Where is it?"

I take her through the yoga hut and show her the piddly diddly department.

"Dave, if you have this yoga hut, why did we sit outside?"

I shrug. "Felt like it, I guess."

"You _are _strange, Dave," Gee says and stares at me.

I think she's doing sticky eyes.

Jas told Tom about it who told me.

Apparently it's part of a book called _How To Make Any Twit Fall In Love With You_.

Which is a bit of a cheek since I'm not a fool and – oh my giddy God!

Gee's trying to make me fall in love with her!

Oh my giddy GOD!

_**A/N: Argh! Cliffy! Sorry about the shortness, please review anyway. Even if you read this and the next chapter is already up, PLEASE review this chappy too – I'd like this to be one of those stories with 100+ reviews. That'd be cool. So PWEASE. I'll LOBE you forever. And ever. And ever. And – oh you get my gist!**_

_**Hoooooooorrrrrrrrrrn!**_


	7. I'm Just So Irresistible!

_**A/N: Bonjour bonjour. Here you are - the next chapter half an hour after the last. If you haven't reviewed the last one, please go back and review it before you read this one. PLEASE.**_

**_Hooooooooooooooooooooorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrn!_**

_Gee's trying to make me fall in love with her!_

_Oh my giddy GOD!_

However, I must keep to Mutti's marvelloso advice and remain her matey-type mate.

That is what I MUST do.

_Je suis __désolé, _Gee.

In time I may be your horn-partner.

In time.

Aww, she's so gorgey when she looks at me like that.

I may have to snog her.

No, no.

Must keep to Mutti's advice.

**30 seconds later**

So there I am, right, refusing to snog her and just staring straight back at her, when _she _leaps forwards and snogs _me_!

I don't think that's happened before.

I mean, the closest to that was when we had that German fight and I looked at her like I was going to snog her but didn't, and her lips puckered up.

That's actually happened a fair few times.

I am just SO irresistible.

But this genius with me is that I don't snog people that are sex-kittyish just because I'm so irresistible.

So why am I having a snogging fest with Georgia in my Mutti's yoga room?

Tell me that.

Go on, I bet you can't.

Fine, I know you can.

I am having a snogging fest with Gee because she can't keep her hands off me and I lurve her.

Don't make me tell her though.

Mmmm, her lipgloss is vair scrummy.

Can't tell if it's strawberry or chocolate though.

Hey, maybe it's both – they seem to be making unusual concoctions nowadays.

Not that I've bought some to wear.

No, I bought some for Rollo cos I we played Truth or Dare one day a few years back, and I dared him to come over the next day and we'd dress him up as a girl.

In makeup I'd bought for him.

The shop assistant looked at me funny when I bought the stuff.

I personally don't know why – I mean it's obvious when seeing a Biscuit such as me that I am as straight as two things in Straight Land.

We didn't buy him clothes, we stole them from his twin sister Eda.

She was livid when she saw Rollo dressed in her bra, her blue top (cleavage showing) and miniskirt.

But she did see the funny side in the end.

Eda is a true Laugh.

But afterwards she burned her bra because she said she couldn't stand to wear it after her brother had cos it would be like him indirectly touching her nungas.

Mutti thought she was burning it for women's rights, and she has been Eda's besty ever since.

Haha.

_Anyway_, Gee's lipgloss was scrummy.

**2 hours later**

**7.00pm**

Still snogging.

All traces of the lipgloss have gone, I think.

But it may just be wrong to snog Gee so soon after she was almost-raped.

I'll pull away.

"Why are we stopping?" Gee is asking

"Cos it's probably not right so soon after… you know…"

"Yeah… I know. I don't know how I can face going home or to school tomorrow."

Awwwwww.

Poor GeeGee.

I'll tell her she can stay over and tomorrow we can skive off.

Since we are matey-type mates it will be just like a sleepover with her and Jas.

Minus the owls and nature-ramblings.

"Gee, stay at my place and we can skive off tomorrow."

"What will I tell my parents?"

"That you're staying round Jas' and will borrow one of her uniforms for school tomorrow."

"What will I tell Jas? She's scarier than my parents!"

True, she has a point. (y stick! Do you get it? Point, pointy stick, Jas is into nature, Gee has a point. D'you get it now? No? Well shut up and deal with it!)

"Well ask the Horned One."

"Rosie?"

"Oui!"

I have given the phone in the yoga hut to Gee and we've put it on speaker phone.

Ring ring.

"… And stab stab to the left… hello?"

"Bonjour Ro-Ro. Tis Georgia here with a favour to ask."

"What may that be?"

"Well I can't face going to school tomorrow or going home, so I'm staying at a Laughy Man's place, and I was wondering if I could say I'm sleeping at your house?"

"Yes you may. If you tell me why you can't face it."

Gee's face displays the fear and hurt from Masimo. "Dave will tell you," she says.

"Why? Is it bad? What's wrong?!"

So Gee's told me before the Ace Gang.

Wow.

I'm usually the last to know.

"Hey Rosie."

"Hey Mr. Laugh. Now what's up with our lovely Georgia? What's happened? Did someone hurt her? Do we need to come over?!"

"Rosie… well MasimowentroundandsnoggedGeorgiathencalledheraslutandthentriedtorapeher."

"What? All I got was "Masimo" and "Georgia", tell me again and s…p…e…a…k… s…l…o…w…l…y…"

I went outside (phone's portable) so Gee didn't have to relive it.

"Masimo went round to Gee's this morning and snogged her. Then he yelled at her and called her a slut and he preferred Wet Lindsay. Then he snogged her again and tried to rape her."

"That #%$%#$ %^$#$#%#$% $#243 ^%$67 *$%$!"

"I know Rosie."

"Hold your horns, don't get your clothes off yet – the Ace Gang is coming over… pip pip!"

The she was gone.

Hey!

What did she mean, 'don't get your clothes off yet' ?

Was she insinuating…

She _was_!

She must be eaten.

Immediately.

Well as immediately as possible when you have a huge Viking boyfriend called Sven.

Who is from Swedenland.

And wears light up flares.

In fact he wears light up EVERYTHING!

**_A/N: Did you like it? Review it PLEASE, even if you didn't like it. I LOBE reviews. Oh, and it's my birthday tomorrow (June 5) and I'd lurve extra reviews. Please?_**

**_PANTS!_**


	8. RudeyDudey Things

_**A/N: Hey, you might not get another chapter for another 6 weeks as I am going away and such likes, and although I am incredibly unwell, and I have ZERO energy levels, I have decided to write this chapter anyway before I go so you guys don't completely miss out.**_

_**Review please as it took a LOT of my energy to write it.**_

_**HORN!**_

_She must be eaten._

_Immediately._

_Well as immediately as possible when you have a huge Viking boyfriend called Sven._

_Who is from Swedenland._

_And wears light up flares._

_In fact he wears light up EVERYTHING!_

**Still in yoga hut**

My mobile is ringing.

It's Rosie.

"Hey Ro-Ro."

"Mr. Laugh, you don't seem to be in."

"I don't have my keys so we're in my Mutti's yoga hut. Look around the back of the house."

**5 seconds later**

Gee is glaring at me like a glaring thing.

"What?"

"How come Rosie knows where you live and I didn't?"

Silly girl.

She knows Gee's house comes before Rosie's and mine.

"You know that we get to your house before Rosie's and mine. And we get to mine before Rosie's."

She's suddenly become a tomato.

A very attractive tomato, but a tomato all the same.

"Sorry Dave."

Awww.

She looks vair embarrassed.

I'll give her a hug.

"S'okay KittyKat. You've been through trauma today so you can be excused."

**30 seconds later**

How did a comforting hug turn into full-frontal snogging?

How?

Go on, tell me.

Fine, I'll tell you.

One minute we're there, hugging, then Gee looked up at me and I looked down at her and…

Well yeah, it turned into full frontal snogging: open mouths, tongues, even my speciality: lip nibbling.

**1 minute later**

"Hi, Groovers, tis I, Rosie the Queen of the Vik – I thought I told you not to take your clothes off until AFTER I have gone?"

Bugger.

Rosie Posie.

Silly Ro-Ro, interrupting our snogathon.

"Rosie, unless you have x-ray eyes, we ARE wearing clothes," I say.

"Well I meant it literally AND virtually. I know you two are thinking rudey-dudey things!"

Well I dunno about Gee, but I for once wasn't.

Oh Rosie, Rosie, Rosie.

I'll ignore her.

She opened her mouth to say something else but didn't as Jools, Mabs, Ellen and Jas walked in.

Rosie must've told them the address and where to find the yoga hut after speaking with me.

**1 minute later**

We're all sitting in a circle on the ground.

"Let the Ace Gang meeting commence. We are now safe to pour our secrets out as it is just us girls!"

Just us girls?

Since when do I have nungas?

"Ahem. Excuse me if I'm right, but I'm a boy."

"That you are, Davey-boy, but we can tell you our secrets since you are an HONOURARY girl. But not actually a girl cos that'd make Georgia a lezzie as she's in love with you," Jools said.

Honourary girl?

Is that déjà-vu-ish or what?

Where have I heard that before?

Ohh, yeah, I said to Gee "You are an honourary bloke and that is why I love you."

Huh.

Hold on for a moment.

Jools said Georgia's in love with me.

Ah, sweet.

But although I lurve her _aussi_, I am keeping to Mutti's advice.

Everyone except for Rosie and Jools has ignored Jools' comment.

Rosie and Jools keep nudging each other and winking.

Unbelievable.

Jas is taking charge.

"So we are here to discuss an incident of rape," she says seriously.

I see Georgia cringe at the word rape.

"Jas, it wasn't a rape. It was an almost-rape. Now can you please be a bit sensitive as Gee is quite traumatised."

Jas, for some unknown reason, has immediately gone into huff-mobile.

We ignore her and Mabs says, "We all know what happened and we won't say cos Gee has been through enough, but what do we do?"

"Eat him, that #$^$%&%$ %$#^%#$^! No one hurts any Ace Gang member – oo-er – and gets away with it!"

We love Rosie's logic that any problem is solved by eating the source of the problem (A/N: did that make sense?) but it doesn't always work.

Besides, it is very cannibalistic.

I was about to reply when a familiar figure came through the door.

_**A/N: Hope you liked it. Who is the so-called 'familiar figure' that walks in the door?**_

_**REVIEW, REVIEW, REVIEW.**_

_**Love you all.**_

_**(non-lezzie of course.)**_

_**Lottie **_

_**x**_


	9. Vaffunculo

**_A/N: Well, Hello, Bonjour, Buonjourno, Guten Tage and the well-used Hey!_**

**_I am BACK! Sorry, this is another short chapter but Mum needs the computer and I didn't want to leave you waiting, so please review!_**

**_Horn!_**

"_Eat him, that #$^$%&%$ %$#^%#$^! No one hurts any Ace Gang member – oo-er – and gets away with it!"_

_We love Rosie's logic that any problem is solved by eating the source of the problem (A/N: did that make sense?) but it doesn't always work._

_Besides, it is very cannibalistic._

_I was about to reply when a familiar figure came through the door._

"Ciau."

_Masimo_?

Rosie jumps up and glares at Masimo.

"What are _you _doing here? Who invited _you_? This is Dave's house and you have to GET LOST. We don't want you here you raping %$^&%^*$!"

"Mi dispaice, I… how you say… came to see my girlfriend, the _bella _Miss Georgia Nicolson."

Jools and I jumped up at the same time. "Who told you where Georgia was? Go on! Tell me. And HOW DO YOU KNOW WHERE I LIVE?!?! Have you been SPYING on me?"

"Yeah, Handbag Horse, get on your Vespa and GET LOST!"

"Er, I no been spying on you. Robbie ring me and he say Georgia is at Dave's house so I come here." (A/N: I know this is TERRIBLE grammar, but Masimo doesn't speak English very well so yeah…)

Mabs went goes over to Masimo. "Masimo Scarlotti, two things: One, Why did Robbie ring you and how did Robbie know? And two, Have you been spying on Dave?!?!"

"Robbie say he want me to go and see Georgia and make up with her, and Robbie been told by Tom's girlfriend."

"You still haven't answered my question. HAVE YOU BEEN SPYING ON ME? Tell me, and then _VERPISS DICH_!"

"Mi dispaice, I do not understand."

"Well, lets translate into Italian, shall we? _Vaffunculo_!" (A/N: I don't like saying or writing the F word in English, it seems harsh.)

Then Masimo knew what I was talking about.

His face twisted in anger and went over to Gee and yanked her up.

"Georgia, we go now."

**_A/N: There you go!_**

**_Masimo's a dickhead isn't he?! The nerve of him!_**

**_Will Dave come to the rescue, or will Gee have to go with him?_**

**_You know, I originally was gonna make it Dave's mutti that comes in, but I think Masimo coming in made more aggers._**

**_So PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_**

**_It'll get another chapter up quicker!_**

**_Thanks_**

**_Lottie_**

**_x_**


	10. Before I Could, They'd Gone

_**A/N: Bonjour groovers! Can you believe it? The fabulous Georgia books have ENDED. Am so disappointed, and I'm sure you guys are too. I wonder what Louise Rennison's next series are going to be about. Somehow, I don't think they'll be able to compete with Georgia, but who knows? Maybe they will. Maybe they'll be better (But I seriously doubt it).**_

"_Well, lets translate into Italian, shall we? __Vaffunculo__!" (A/N: I don't like saying or writing the F word in English, it seems harsh.)_

_Then Masimo knew what I was talking about._

_His face twisted in anger and went over to Gee and yanked her up._

"_Georgia, we go now."_

I was going to go over to Masimo and tell him to piss off and leave Georgia here, but before I could, they'd gone.

The last thing I heard was Georgia crying as she was dragged through the door, and then everything went black.

______________________________________________________________________

I was sitting in a fishing boat, and something bit my line.

I reeled in the line, and on the end of the line was a fish.

But it was dead.

And rotten.

It smelled terrible, so I threw it as far away as possible, yelling while I did it.

Although I was alone, I somehow heard Rosie's voice saying "Hear that! Thank pants! He seems to be waking up. I knew stuffing bits of rotten haddock up his nose would wake him up."

That would explain the smell.

Wait – what?!

I have bits of rotten haddock up my nose?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

I MUST get them out!

**1 minute later**

They're out, thank God.

I was wriggling around, and I saw the Ace Gang watching me with amused looks on their faces.

"Took ya long enough Davey-Boy, to wake up. We have to save Gee from the Handbag Horse IMMEDIATELY. And while we're doing that, I'm sorry, but I must repay you for hitting me while you were unconscious." Rosie said.

"Er, I think you'll find that _I _got back at _you_, for shoving rotten haddock up my nose. By the way, where did you get that, anyway, my mutti is vegetarian."

Rosie grinned, and said, "Dave, I ALWAYS have fish on me – you never know when you'll need it."

Right…

Anyway, why are we all sitting here talking?

Shouldn't we be well on our way with Operation Save Georgia from Handbag Horse, or OSGHH for short?

I said, "Rosie, Jools, Mabs, Ellen, Jas, shouldn't we be getting on with OSGHH?"

Jas said, "What's OSGHH?"

Do I have to explain EVERYTHING to these halfwits?

I said, quite patiently I think, "It's Operation Save Georgia from Handbag Horse. Now, what's our plan?"

Mabs said, "Run after them."

And I said, "Why have we stayed here for so long then?"

And Jas said, "Because we should think of something more sensible."

Jools said, "No way. If we leave now, we'll probably catch up with them. They won't have gone far, Masimo loves the drama of it too much to bugger off far. Let's go."

And we all just barged out of the door, leaving dear old Jas looking bewildered.

We're all running at top speed through the streets.

We seem to be disturbing a fair few people.

And old lady even gave me the finger.

Yes – me.

I know, I'm the biggest charmer out there and old ladies love me normally, and one gave me the finger!

Ah well, I'm on a misson.

Haha, I sound like I'm a spy.

I'm not – I'm on a Dave-mission.

Finally – I see Gee and Masimo.

They're talking, and I can't hear what they're saying.

**5 seconds later**

"Masimo, I love you," Georgia says.

What?!?!?!?!?!?!

_**A/N: Wait! What's going on? Georgia loves Masimo?!**_

_**That can't be right? Can it? She loves the Hornmeister. Or does she?...**_

_**What's gonna happen?**_

_**Review and tell us what you think.**_

_**But for now… Pants!**_

_**PS: I added Dave the Laugh on Facebook. How cute is he?!**_


	11. How Did She Get So Dithery?

_**A/N: Bonjour groovers! I have a few things to say to you cheeky minxes. Firstly, Dave is writing songs, and he asked me to tell you all, and you MUST read them. It's under the story Dave's Songs. Oh, and Dave has a FanFic profile now. Just search Jack the Biscuit, and you'll find it. **__****_

_**At first he thought it was nerdy, but I nagged him until he made one. **_

_**Secondly, I am beta-ing for an AMAZING story, called **__**Ohmygiddygod! Pants and pantaloons? No Way!**__** And it's by Hornmeister Lover. She's vair talented, and the story is AMAZING, and it doesn't have all the reviews it deserves, so you READ IT, or I WILL set Sven on you.**_

_**Enjoy!**_

_**X**_

_They're talking, and I can't hear what they're saying._

_**5 seconds later**_

"_Masimo, I love you," Georgia says._

_What?!?!?!?!?!?!_

I feel shocked.

Masimo is an abusing DICKHEAD, and she goes and tells him she loves him.

I look behind me, and I can see that the Ace Gang (minus Jassy, as she got left behind – poor thing) look completely shocked too, so obviously they've also heard.

I thought it'd probably make things weird if we intruded, and I'd planned to go before they noticed us and made Masimo do something worse, but Rosie obviously wasn't thinking that, because she yelled out:

"Masimo, you dickhead, get away from Georgia!" and she ran up to them, and hissed, "Do you want me to call Sven?"

Masimo looked a bit nervy actually.

I decided I'd go and help Ro-Ro with this fandango.

"Yeah, Masimo – bugger off! We don't EVER want to see you again. Come on, KittyKat."

I started to turn around, when Masimo said, "We no ever have fight over this _bella _girl's heart, no?"

Without turning around, I said, "I don't want to have fisticuffs, Masimo."

I heard someone running, and before I knew it, Masimo was in front of me.

I stopped.

"Yes," Masimo said, "But I do."

He had a glint in eyes.

Mabs said, "Okay, _Mas_, if you wanna fight Dave – you fight all of us," and she went up to him and stared him right in the eyes.

Masimo was backing off a bit by then, but we had him surrounded.

Jools said, "What's it to be? Leave Gee here with us, or fisticuffs with all of us?"

Ellen said, "Erm, yes… well… go, erm, away… or something. We don't want… erm you… or something?" then she looked at all of us quickly, and said "We don't want him, do we?"

Ellen, Ellen, Ellen.

How did she get so dithery?

Rosie said, "Of course we want Masimo to BUGGER OFF."

I said, "Masimo, if you leave nicely, we won't steal your makeup bag."

And you know what he did then?

He left!

It was that easy.

Just threaten to steal his makeup bag and he goes!

Unbe-bloody-lievable.

We were all standing there, not quite knowing what to do, when we heard a giggle.

Oops!

We forgot Gee was there.

"Er, Gee, why are you laughing? We just scared your girlfriend off."

"He's not my girlfriend."

"I know you think that he's straight – but he's not. He left when we threatened to steal his make-up."

"I know!"

And she started another laughing spaz.

I grabbed her from behind, and said, "Georgia, you are clinically insane," and I snogged her.

_**A/N: Well there you have it. A vair short chapter I'll admit. It was gonna be longer, and I WAS going to have the reason why she said 'I love you' but it kinda ended itself.**_

_**REVIEW, please!**_

_**Dave says he'll give you a virtual snog if ya do.**_


	12. Get Your Camel Back

_**A/N: Well bonjour groovers from Grooving-Town! Tis I, Earth Kid Tree Hugger, who has abandoned some of her stories (including this one) for a while, but I am back! Haha! I honestly have no idea where I'm gonna go with this, but I guess we'll find out together, won't we? XD. **_

_**Ohmygiddygod! Today at school the most HILARIOUS thing happened. I forget what we were talking about, but it may have been about Phys Ed or something, cos a friend of mine said, "I hate balls." and of course we all took it the wrong way and had a major laughing spaz, and our pastoral care teacher was at her desk just writing – I dread to think what she was thinking at the time cos she heard everything! We were the only ones in our room, cos we were the first back for the afternoon roll (register for you Billy Shakespeare people) and were at our lockers which are situated in our classroom. It was HILARIOUS. **_

"_Er, Gee, why are you laughing? We just scared your girlfriend off."_

"_He's not my girlfriend."_

"_I know you think that he's straight – but he's not. He left when we threatened to steal his make-up."_

"_I know!"_

_And she started another laughing spaz._

_I grabbed her from behind, and said, "Georgia, you are clinically insane," and I snogged her._

Jools cleared her throat, and Gee moved away awkwardly.

"It's nice that you two have your little secret snogs, but it'd be quite nice if they stayed that way – secret, and not in full view of all your pallies," Jools said.

"Well why don't you, Little Pallies, go away then?" I suggested.

"Well that's a nice way to thank us!" Mabs huffed.

Rosie threw up her arms. "Honestly! Just let them have their snogs, we all know they're in luuurve, so why don't we just go? I'm fairly bored staying here anyway – there's no gorgey Viking to snog. So adios!"

The others trailed off one by one, leaving me and Gee.

Hahaha.

It rhymes!

GEE and ME!

"Sex Kitty," I said.

"What?" Gee asked.

"Are you alright… you seem kind of delirious. A minute ago you were telling Masimo you loved him, and now you're glad to be rid of him and are having a laughing spaz. Something is majorly wrong with you."

As soon I said the words, I regretted them.

"Sorry Gee, I didn't mean that there was something wrong with you in a bad way, I'm just trying to figure you out. You should be completely confused and traumatised."

She looked a bit cranky.

I didn't blame her, I was being a bit out of order.

"Dave," she said. "GET YOUR CAMEL BACK! Since this happened you have lost your laugh. That's why I'm so freaking cranky. Blimey O'Reilly's pantyhose!"

What?

"What, Gee?"

"I said," she said slowly. "Get. Your. Camel. Back."

"What do you mean?"

"Dave! You have lost your laugh! I'm sorry – it's my fault that you've lost your laugh, but you need to get it back!"

"But – but you should be all sad…"

"Do you want me to be sad?"

"No…"

"Well we need to figure out how to get your laugh back. I'm fine now – but you're not."

"I haven't lost my laugh…"

"Yes you have. Normally by now you'd be yelling about pants or something – but you're not. You're all… I don't know, but I do know that you're Dave the Unlaugh. I want you to be Dave the Unlaugh without the 'un'."

"Why would I be yelling about pants? Isn't that a bit immature?"

"You see what I mean?! Dave – tonight you and I start our quest to get your laugh back! Or get rid of 'Un'. Either will do. Let's go!"

_**A/N: Ahh! Dave has lost his Laugh! And they're going on a quest to get it back! It's a bit Lord of the Rings and that kinda thing, hey.**_

_**But anyway, review!**_


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